The ZAFT Social Grape Vine
by xaArzie
Summary: Rumors are guesses that usually have no real foundation at all. What happens when a rumor goes too far and results in all out psychological warfare...and even gunshots! See Yzak accused of child labor, he and Shiho 'pretend' kiss, and Dearka turn purple!
1. Bad Family Skills

Dearka watched the group in front of him with a smug look. His face was flushed an amusing shade of purple. If not for his trained self control, he'd probably be rolling over on the floor by now.

This supposedly simple mission was turning out to be rather entertaining.

They had received word that there was a trespassing crisis at the East port and were dispatched to handle it. Easy enough, until they realized who exactly were trying to penetrate their base: children.

It just so happened, they were only able to catch _one_ child.

Imagine that. ZAFT's finest outrun by nine-year-olds.

Presently The blonde coordinator sat at the backseat of an open-top transport. In the row before him were his best friend and superior,—though Dearka often disregarder that latter title—Yzak Joule and his colleague, Shiho Hahnenfuss. Between them sat the trespasser, a little girl barely up to his waist.

The tan boy tried hard to stifle his laughter but it was fighting even harder to escape his lips. In wasn't noticed by the couple though, since the driver an the other military escort were doing about just the same.

Why all the muffled snickering? It was simple. The trespasser was pretty.

No, really, she was. The little girl had long brown hair and clear blue eyes. Both complimented her fair skin. She was the sweetest thing, as far as enemies went, anyway.

In the minds of all those who saw her, only one thing crossed their minds.

'_This is what would happen if the Captain and Hahnenfuss reproduce'_

Come to think of it, with her sitting between them like that, they looked like a family—an odd family, with a snide looking father and a perfectly indifferent mother. Yes, a happy home that must make.

* * *

The youngest enemy in the history of ZAFT was brought to headquarters for interrogating. _Strangely_ enough, when the got there, no one seemed to pay attention to her. They let the party pass without even asking. When Yzak was about to surrender the girl to the interrogator, the well decorated man raised his brow.

"What's this?"

"What we called about." The captain of the Voltaire informed him flatly.

"I realize you must be very busy sir," The old man began. "..but 'babysitter' is hardly part of my job description."

"What?! This is the intruder, you buffoon!"

"Oh!" The man stuttered, embarrassed. He took the child into custody and bowed away from the commander.

"What the hell was that about?" Yzak later told Dearka in private.

"Who knows?" He snorted, his face not changing hue since the car.

Later on the girl was brought back to them. They were only able to extract one piece of information from her and that was her name. The interrogator informed Yzak that she identified herself to be Nadia Pate and said nothing more.

The hot headed captain winced at the sight of Nadia, a hateful expression on her face. Roughly he took her by the wrist and literally handed her over to her secretary.

"Find something to do with her until those social workers get here." He ordered.

The young secretary blinked at the sight of the girl. She was surprised by her striking resemblances to that officer who she regularly saw with her boss and his friends. Naturally she assumed the obvious.

What startled he more was probably the girl's age.

In her head she was probably think why this was the first time he'd brought her to work.

"Wh—what would you like me to do with her, sir?" She stammered.

"I don't know. Tie her down and gag her for all I care. Just get her out of my sight."

The secretary looked taken aback. "SIR?!"

"She doesn't have any business her. Just get her out." He barked.

Obediantly she took Nadia gently by the hand and guided her out of the room.

'_It's not wonder MS. Shiho has an awful temper with him…and he's got sickening parenting skills.'_

Alright, maybe that was a little rough, even for Yzak but it just wasn't his day today.

Adding to Yzak's stress with the underage enemy, he had received word only yesterday that of all people, and of all his superiors, his mother was coming to _inspect_ him today. And by _inspect_, that meant she came to nag him about whatever she could think of.

* * *

The platinum blonde boy stood the safe distance away from the landing pad. He stood anxiously beside his subordinates, waiting for the certain platinum blonde woman to step out of her copter.

Finally Ezeria Joule stepped out of the chopper, sporty the standard Grand council green jacket. She smiled—rather painfully, in the bystanders' opinions—to her son and greeted him formally. He gestured her inside and toured the woman through _his_ halls.

Generally the visit was going rather well, until they came to Yzak's office. Ezeria complained it to be embarrassingly untidy and taunted him about his poor organizing skills, which she was more than happy to relate to the others that he had had since he was a child.

The former Duel pilot slapped his forehead in frustration. Family and work were never meant to be so tightly intertwined, he concluded.

Was he ever right.

At that very moment the party heard the door open and in stepped the secretary and a satisfied looking Nadia, happily licking an icecream.

Dearka's face went purple again.

Snorts and sniggers flew across the room.

Shiho raised an eyebrow and Yzak grumbled.

Ezeria nearly fainted.

"For the love of…"

Her eyes immediately shot to her son.

"Since when???" she demanded.

"What?" Yzak said, confused.

"You two—" she pointed to him and Shiho, who was right next to him. "Is she _YOURS_?"

Shiho's heart skipped a beat and she blushed madly. Yzak looked like he was about to throw up.

"HELL NO FRIGGIN WAY!"

"She's not even mine!" Hahnenfuss defended.

Strangely, Ezeria looked disappointed.


	2. Relax, dear

Commander Joule and Second officer Hahnenfuss were in a car together with their captive. He was driving, the two girls were in the backseat, the younger one was cuffed.

"I can't believe my own mother just accused me of having a child with you." He said, disgustedly.

"Trust me, I wasn't all that flattered either." Shiho rolled her eyes. She sat on the edge of her seat, a fair distance from Nadia. She was hell bent on staying as far away from the girl as possible, lest they be mistaken as even related again. Too bad though, she was assigned to escort the juvenile to social services.

The young girl had remained perfectly silent since her dramatic entrance to Yzak's office. She even sat quietly watching the pissed of coordinator reprimand his secretary with big, loud words.

"I've got better things to do than this." Yzak complained again. "I'm a decorated official and they send me out to take care of a hooligan!"

"What's the matter, _Commander_?: She mocked his title. "Too good for a child?"

"He doesn't seem good _enough_ for anything." Nadia suddenly spoke up. Then she turned to the girl seated next to her. "not even you." She finished smugly.

It was a good thing Yzak was in the front seat and she was too short to see the rear view mirror. The boy's face flushed bright red.

"Shut up!"

The truth was, he had tried, once before—a long time ago—but it just didn't seem to work. Shiho just seemed too much like…like…one of his men.

The girl's face remained perfectly indifferent. She just starred out of the car window.

The vehicle was trapped in an awkward silence for almost the rest of the trip, until they hear the platinum blonde's phone ring.

Not even, glancing at his pocket, he ordered. "Hahnenfuss, take that call."

"What? Me? It's your phone!"

"Do you _want_ me to crash this car?" he mocked. "Just get the damn phone!"

Reluctantly Shiho reached for the cell phone, which was sticking out of his left pants pocket. She flipped it open and greeted whoever was on the other end.

"Hello? Yzak?" A familiar boy's voice came.

"No, sorry. This is Shiho. He's driving."

"Well tell him to stop!"

"What?" She asked, confused. Leaning over the passenger's seat, she said. "Dearka wants you to pull over."

"What? Why? What does that bastard want?" Yzak yelled back, not showing any intention to stop at all.

"You can't surrender that girl to child services!" The other end of the phone pleaded. "She's an enemy!"

"She's a child!"

"No! listen to me!" Dearka yelled. "That girl…her medical tests have come back! She's an extended! Do you hear me, THAT GIRL'S AN EA EXTENDED! SHE'S WITH THE BLUE COSMOS!"

At the sound of the last few words Nadia jumped. She suddenly started to violently struggle with her handcuffs.

"Let me out! Let me out!"

Yzak seemed to react to the news violently too. He swerved the car around and was hell bent on getting back to headquarters when he almost hit the car that was behind him.

The sleek black vehicle avoided, but attacked as it did. Guns appeared at it's windows and started to fire at their car. The bullets did bounce off the shatter glass but not through the hood. Soon the engine had caught flames.

Instinctively, Shiho grabbed the girl and pulled her into her arms. She kicked the door open and rolled on the grassy sidewalk.

Stray bullets had grazed her leg but she tried to keep running. Safely holding their captive in her arms, she hoped that was enough to ensure that they wouldn't try to shoot her.

The side of the road was grassy, a safe place to hide. When she had knelt behind some tall bushes, she watched as the car was engulfed in flames and the black vehicle rushed away. Fow a moment, she was relieved to be alive but then a realization came to her. There were three of them in that car and now she only saw two.

'_What happened to—'_

Seemingly out of the blades of grass she felt a firm grip on her shoulder. She whirled around and was ready to kick whoevers ass it was that was trying to ambush her. Lucky for him, his own razor sharp reflexes were able to catch her flying leg.

"Easy, easy! It's me." The platinum blonde said as he put down her calf. "Are you alright?"

She nodded, then looked down at the girl she was carrying.

Nadia was shivering violently in her arms. The rings around her eyes made her look 40.

"This…this girl…an extended?" Yzak panted.

Still looking down at the terrified girl, she nodded. "They seem to be getting younger and younger." She turned to her superior, who she now observed had narrowly missed a couple of bullets, himself. The side of his head was bleeding and so was his arm, though neither seemed serious. "That was a close call."

He nodded. "It seems it wasn't just a bunch of naughty kids after all. Whatever they came to do—or get,—they seem to want it very badly."

"What do we do now? We can't just walk out of here. Who knows if that car's still nearby?"

"I know, know!" Yzak brushed her off, frustrated. "The town's nearby. If we could just get there unnoticed…"

Then he looked down at the young brunette she was carrying. It was true, they did look alike, save the eyes. If his pride would have allowed it, she would be a pretty daughter if it ever came to that.

Annoyed, he brushed the foolish thought to the back of his head only to retrieve it again. Maybe for once, those idiotic insults could come in handy.

He turned to Shiho, who still looked worried.

"Relax, _dear_."

"What did you call me?" She said, raising an eyebrow.

He smiled mischievously, gesturing to the little girl.

"I said '_dear_.'" He repeated confidently. Then, leaning over to rest his lips in a peck on her cheek, he smiled. "We are a family, aren't we?"

* * *

a/n: just so you know, that wasn't the 'pretend kiss' I talked about in the summary. Something better's coming. I promise. Until then…R&R! 


	3. Shopping

**(Previously titled "Unproved Assumptions")**

* * *

The platinum blonde rubbed his cheek irritably and sighed as he waited outside the department store dressing rooms.

"damn girl's backhand…" he grumbled.

Just then, the very brunette he was just thinking of stepped out of the stall. Once she set foot before him, wearing loose low ride jeans and a powder blue sweater over a tank top, his big mouth went to work.

"No wife of mine is wearing that." He said flatly.

"What? It looks decent." She defended.

"You look like a soccer mom." Yzak raised an eyebrow.

"What's wrong with that?"

"You're eighteen. Loose the sweater and put on a skirt for goodness' sake."

"Do you _want_ me to hit you _again_?" Shiho raised an eyebrow. "Pervert." She mumbled.

Rubbing his still reddish cheek, he shook his head. "I'm just saying. Middle aged women pay to have your…figure. You might as well use it."

This did nothing to encourage Shiho. In fact, if anything, her brows raised even higher.

"Perverted pretty boy."

"Fine! Let's just pay for this and go. We have better things to do than play dress up."

Sighing, she went back inside the stall to change. When the pair was already about to pay, they finally noticed something very, very wrong.

"WHERE'S NADIA?!"

Frantically they scouted all the isles for the little rebel. In less then five minutes though, she was found—rather, heard, squealing. Yzak found her in the tweens' section, twirling around in what looked like an expensive sun dress. At the sight of the former Duel pilot, she beamed him a wide toothy grin.

"Hi Daddy!" she said in sing-song.

A saleslady happened to see them and smiled at the pair.

"You're daughter looks very cute in that dress, sir. Would you like me to bag it?" She said politely.

Shiho, who was searching just nearby, overheard the little scene but chose to stay out of it and just laugh privately.

"I am never having children." He groaned.

That choice would be a wise one too. If a complete stranger's kid had this attitude, imagine what someone with Yzak Joule's genes would be like.

* * *

Finally out of the mall and out of more financial danger, Yzak gave the little girl in the backseat of the rented bug a deathly stare before slamming the door shut. He got into the drivers seat and grumbled. Shiho was about to get into the passenger's seat when he gave the 'what-the-hell-are-you-doing?' look.

"You do want people to actually believe we're a family, don't you?" She taunted.

Sighing, he let her take her seat in peace.

"The things I do for work..." He groaned. "Anymore word from Dearka?" He turned to the older brunette.

"Nothing yet since I informed them of our current condition." She reported formally.

"Did he say anything then?"

"It was kind of hard to tell." She hardly mumbled. "His words were too choked by fits of laughter to actually understand. Plus, there was a chaotic mess in the background."

"The bastard had you on speaker phone."

"So I guessed."

They heard stifled giggles from the back seat. Both shot the little girl a look. She replied by sticking her tongue out. Yzak had to fight the sudden urge to just hand her over to those Blue Cosmos thugs that seemed to actually want her.

"You two make a cute couple." Nadia commented when they were already on the road.

The couple tried to pretend not to notice and hide their blush but the young extended didn't stop there.

"If you would just stop acting like such a jerk, maybe she'd actually give you the time of day." Since when did nine-year olds become couples' councilors? "You're both just so stubborn." Was her closing line.

Either Yzak was _really_ mad or…

"You two! Get down! NOW!" The car swerved and drove right into some bushes nearby.

"What the he—"

"Hey—!"

"Shut up! Both of you!" The captain scolded, throwing himself to the backseat and ducking a startled Nadia under the seat. "Ssshhh!"

"What's the matter with you?!" Shiho yelled back at him. She had followed his lead and hid under the dashboard but she was still surprised herself.

"The car." He muttered.

"What?"

"The black car. The one that ambushed us. There." He said ominously.

Sure enough, when Shiho peeked out the tinted car window, there was the sleek black auto driving slowly by them. She hoped it would just pass them by and they'd be able to return to HQ safely but as soon as it reached the curb, it U-turned and circled back.

"It's scouting the place. It's looking for us." He declared.

"It looks like it."

The jet black car was headed for them, headlights flashing brightly in their direction.

"Damn."

"How do we loose them?"

The silver haired coordinator had to do some quick thinking and finally thought of a plan, a crazy one and it would probably earn him a good beating later, but it was all he had.

He whispered to the little girl in his arm to stay down and make sure she was well hidden.

Then he hoisted himself back to the front seat and without saying a word as well as ignoring Shiho's startled protests, he wrapped her arms around his neck and threw an arm over her shoulder. He pulled her close, close enough for her lips to rest on his.

In that position, they stayed, even when they felt the bright lights on them. The two sat deathly still, lips locked and eyes shut tight.

"_UGH! Gross! It's just a couple of love sick kids!"_

"_Let's get out of here before I throw up."_


End file.
